Guest Post; Ah, Talking to Teenagers

This is a guest post by my friend,

<------Cassie D. There she is!

She has been speaking to the youth at our church for several years and has learned a lot in the process. I wanted her to share the biggest challenges she has run into on this adventure...and next week I will share mine.

“Can I get more house lights?”

This is a common opening phrase of many a speaker, the idea of speaking to the dark has never appealed to me much either. When the magical house light button is pushed and you suddenly realize you are speaking to a room full of teenagers panic may grip your heart and your very trusty notes all of a sudden seem obsolete.

Speaking to teenagers is definitely not for everyone and certainly not for the faint-of-heart. They sit (or should I say slouch?) in that chair staring at you. Waiting. Distracted. Half asleep. A blessed few are perched on the edge of their seats with notebook and pen in hand ready to scribble down notes of an anticipated life-changing message.

I have been speaking to teenagers for 5 years now and have a lot to learn and room for growth, but if I know anything I know that it is challenging.

Being relevant. I would like to think that because I am only a few years out of HS I can relate to students and grasp the culture they are living in. Recently I have realized I have a lot to learn. I read the covers of the tabloids at the grocery store to try and find out who is “hot” and who is “not.” I attempt to listen to the “cool” music and I try to know the names of a few well-known sports starts. However, in my speaking to teenagers all my “cool” and “hip” knowledge of these things doesn’t seem to get me too far. I still get blank stares and a few thumbs down if I mention the wrong celebrity or persona. I can’t throw in a few rad new words and expect them to jump on the train I am trying to get them on. They want more than that. Some of those things might impress some of them, but in the long run it is my belief that they want to be known. They want to see that you understand where they are. They don’t care so much if you or I know all the words to a Lady Gaga song, as long as you can some how reach into their life from the stage.

Being relational. I realize that my last couple sentences bleed right into being relational, but I guess that’s how it works. Teenagers want to be know, they also don’t want to feel like they are at school again. They see 4-6 teachers a day, they don’t need or want to come to church and feel like the person on the platform is speaking down to them. I remember a time I saw a girl sitting off to the right side of the stage, all alone. She was wearing all black, her hair had gone through a lot to become the shade of blue-ish-black it was. She had piercing I had to tilt my head at to try and figure out. She was not someone I would have been friends with in HS and there I was standing on a stage trying to relate to her! Teenagers LOVE being known by name. If I have an illustration I am using to convey a point, I try really hard to say “Jake, you are the guy in this story….” Or “Sarah you know what I am talking about….” I never want to expose a students life from up front, but if I can somehow get them into my story or on the train of thought I want them on, they know I can relate with them. My favorite simple thing to be relational; get off the stage.

Being riveting. Three “Rs”. Riveting. Captivating. Attention-grabbing. If I launched into a message and sound like a history teacher who is reading from a text book, the 6 students hiding in the back row will check out before I am done speaking the first 10 words. BEWARE; teenagers know if you are trying to hard. They can pick up on “attention getters” and they know where you are going with the “two cliffs and a cross” analogy. No matter what the students day, year or month has looked like somewhere inside of that crazy t-shirt and too much makeup face is a knowledge that coming to youth group or church is supposed to be “good” for them. If we as speakers and preachers cannot hold their attention for more than 5 minutes when we step onto stage, we should just play dodge-ball for two hours and fulfill the “be relational” part of things. Think outside the box. So much is not captivating to the average person, especially youth because of the mass media and over visual stimulating world we live in. This is probably one of the biggest challenges I have. To keep a teenagers attention for 20 minutes is a work of art that must be practiced.

Next time the lights come up and you realize you are speaking to a group of crazy-haired teenagers, don’t panic! Take a deep breath and realize they are more like you than you know. They desire to be known. Deep behind the half-asleep eyes staring at you is a heart that has a desire to hear a life-changing, world-rocking message, your message. Breathe in and out and realize that for some reason you are standing on that stage with a (half) captivated audience and the God who has not failed you yet will not leave you to change their lives alone. So, turn up the house lights and get going.

The Gift of Empathy

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. -- Carl W. Buechner

When people ask me what it takes to be a good speaker, I have one immediate response: empathy. I love when a speaker makes an audience feel that even though they maybe haven't experienced the same joys and heartaches, that they can still understand. For too many people, a mic in hand makes them want to demonstrate expertise rather than empathy and it alienates listeners. I'm not talking about mushy, silly, support-group sympathy...but rather an awareness that life is sometimes really hard and terribly unfair and an acknowledgment that I don't have it all figured out but I know that God is good even in the questions.

This kind of gift isn't necessarily expressed with words. It's what happens when the 75-year-old widow in the audience feels not just "taught" but seen and known and loved. That doesn't come from using a well-placed illustration about visiting a nursing home...it's a supernatural thing. Beth Moore has it. You watch her and you feel almost immediately that she would understand you and that if you had coffee together she would maybe speak some hard truth, but she would do it in a way that brought life.

I think youth pastors blow it in this one a lot. In an effort to communicate truth, they lose their grip on love and it's the rare teenager that can swallow one without the other. Empathy. It's brilliant and I have asked the Holy Spirit to let me carry it inside every word.

And speaking of speaking to youth: stick around this week for a guest post from a young woman who is an up-and-coming speaker and is going to share honestly the toughest parts about standing in front of the adolescent set and hoping to goodness they're willing to listen.

Happy Monday!

Bo

Friday Feature #3

Sigh. A long week of actually speaking kept me from blogging about speaking. Next week is my oyster!

Today's feature is a very recent and excellent message by Pastor John Mark Comer from Solid Rock Church in Portland, Oregon. The topic? Adultery. The tone? Serious, straightforward and redemptive.

Check it out here.

Happy weekend,

Bo

Friday Feature #2

Rarely has so much been said in less than four minutes.




Happy Friday!

TV and Truth

This weekend at Westside, we are launching a series called Summer Sweeps which is built around television shows.

Now, please know that I can hear the pre-complaining about this all the way from my sofa.

"But TV is evil!"
"We need to be IN our world but not OF it."
"I want to hear some MEAT from the Word!"

I know those arguments really well, and I'm pretty sure I've invented some of them. However, after really studying the teachings of Jesus, I no longer agree with my own well-crafted complaints about using media for messages in church.

Jesus - the most amazing communicator who ever lived - was brilliant at pointing to an everyday, ordinary object that everyone understood and using it to testify to truth. Rarely do we find Him, scroll in hand, reading a text and then explaining it point by point with Hebrew definitions thrown in for those who might wonder if He really does have an Mdiv. Really, He walked and talked a lot. He looked at field and a farmer and held up a sack lunch. He took His listeners on mental field trips to pig pens where they could watch a runaway eat the slop and then to the stormy shoreline where they could examine the wreckage of a house built on the wrong foundation. In the teaching of Jesus, the whole world was His white board.

If He were here today, I can't imagine that He would spend much time watching tv, but I also can't imagine that He would refuse to use it to testify to truth.

So, let's crack open this can of worms: what do you think about sermons that use modern media, movies, tv, music,, etc. as a launch point? Is there a line where the message is too shallow or too worldly or ineffective? (I really don't have answers to many of these questions...my thoughts are currently in development.)

Bring on the worms!

Bo

The Powerful Pause

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. -- Mark Twain

Mark Twain was totally right (and I'm tired of him stealing all the best quotes.) I learned this trick when speaking to youth, but I use it all the time with adults as well. When the crowd gets distracted or chatty (sometimes this will happen when a cell phone goes off and please believe, a cell phone will ring when you are speaking...it's the 7th Law of the Speaking Universe) or even a little unruly, there are a couple of options:

1. Shush them. Because nothing is more fun than hearing "Shssssssh!" repeatedly over a microphone.
   
2. Try to out-volume them. Raise your voice, talk a little louder and if you have to - shout 'em down!
3. Speed up and/or try to say something funny. Don't do this one! It usually comes out awkward and if it does actually end up being funny, they'll miss it anyway because they're already talking.
   
4. Cry. Oh, there have been times when I've wanted to bust out this move - usually at the "School's Out for Summer" party when everyone has eaten their weight in junk food and are not loving our attempts to redeem the evening with a little "come to Jesus" word at the end.
   

In spite of how effective these techniques may look on paper, they all fail in varying degrees. And yet, I constantly watch speakers unsuccessfully respond to crowd distraction by trying to be more loud, funny or compelling. That's a really tough gig.

The trick that does work and I have about a thousand examples under my belt with this one is: silence. Audiences in public settings are very uncomfortable with silence and can only handle about 15 seconds before they want to bolt. If you keep talking through distraction, people will feel at home in the distraction, but when you stop talking they will eventually move their attention back to the stage. It is a magical trick and it works nearly every time. A well-placed pause also serves as a flashing neon arrow that directs the listener to your current point. It's interesting how often speakers raise their voices in order to emphasize a point when not talking at all is a much better way and a lot less work.

Pause. It's a power move.

So, here's a fun question: what's the most distracting situation you have ever seen a speaker, teacher, presenter have to deal with?

University of Conversation

Happy Monday!

I hope you had an awesome Independence Day. We were blessed to have nearly my whole family with us this weekend and I was reminded once again what a gift it is to enjoy healthy relationships.

Here are some things I observed in our communication this weekend:

• Teenagers may not remember that you asked them to load the dishwasher, but they will remember, word-for-word, every line from a Saturday Night Live skit from 4 years ago.
  
• Wanna see a big crowd go suddenly silent? Serve them food.
  
• Men who let women share their point-of-view without mocking, eye rolling or condescending are just wonderful. I'm so blessed to have been raised in an environment where women's words were valued and listened to. I'm certain it shaped my life in more ways than I know.
• On the flipside, I love the way my mom and sisters have always honored their husband's ideas and input. Nothing feeds communication more positively than mutual respect and a healthy sense of "I think you're really smart!" I know that the women in my family sometimes disagree with the men in their lives, but they are careful about the way they communicate with them in public and in general, they just don't take cheap shots and I like that.
• Most people (ME!) include a lot of unnecessary details in stories and then start to cut out the fat when they realize the crowd is losing interest. This is such an interesting dynamic that I will probably write a post on it soon.
  
• Note to self: those who use words more sparingly, are listened to more intently.
  
• The best conversationalists are those who have applied themselves to the art of attentive listening.
• I am more convinced than ever that nearly all of the learning, relating and growing that we do in communication happens in the context of storytelling. Jesus really did know what He was doing with the parables.
  

Really, there's so much to be learned about communication by intentionally observing the conversations that go on around you every day. Here's a little homework assignment: tonight at whatever dinner table you find yourself, stay more quiet than usual and really watch and listen. Pay attention to body language, verbal cues, use of humor. Watch carefully when and how people share their opinions and how others respond to them. Observe the way the conversation ebbs and flows: does one person carry most of the conversational weight or is the load shared equally by the group? If you notice something interesting, come back here and share it with the group!

Fun week ahead,

Bo

Friday Feature

Happy Friday and happy FOURTH of JULY weekend! I think this is certainly one of the very best holidays because it comes complete with great food, family and fireworks...but no presents. My whole family is here for the weekend and we plan on doing a lot of eating and talking because that is what we do best. (It's good to know your strengths and stick with them!)

I think one of the best ways to become a great speaker is to listen to great speakers - not to imitate them, but to learn from them. Look at what they do well and how they transition and what moments really work in their message. On Fridays, I would like to share a great message. Feel free to grab some popcorn, pull up a chair and enjoy the show.

This clip is from one of my favorite sessions in the Esther bible study by Beth Moore. I love when a speaker marries humor and truth and few do it as brilliantly as Miss Beth:

Happy Fourth, friends!

Hide the Mechanics

I still remember the day that Mr. Rogers broke my heart. I believed in the magic trolley. I really believed. And then one day, he showed us that it wasn't magic and it didn't just show up because it wanted to show up. It was a switch, and he moved the lever.

Ever since that fateful day, I've had an aversion to mechanics. I don't want to know how stuff works, I just want it to work. Like magic.

That's how I like messages to be. I don't need to know that a speaker is about to give an illustration by hearing him say, "Here's an illustration about why we should take good care of our finances." Just tell me the story and tie the point in and I'll move along with you. I'm good with the message reaching it's conclusion without being told, "And now, in conclusion." This is one of the reasons I'm not always a big fan of the list-of-points message, because it almost forces the speaker to teach in a mechanical "and now, point number 2" kind of way. I think points are good for take-home value, but - just like a zipper in a good dress - care must be taken when crafting the message to hide them into the structure without showing them off to the whole world.

Finally, here's the mechanic I especially don't want to hear about: time. This is also the one that I violate the most. I've often been guilty of looking worriedly at the clock and saying, "Oh man, I gotta hurry or we'll be here til Tuesday." But I'm really trying not to and I deputize anyone who hears me do it to smack me with a trolley.

Mechanics are necessary, but everyone doesn't need to see them. Sometimes, it's just nice to let the message be magic.

What do you think? Are there things you've heard speakers say that you wish they would have kept under wraps? Or does it keep it more real for you when they tell you where they're headed and what they're thinking as they go there?